I’m not sure anything could have prepared me for losing my 4th child during pregnancy. Miscarriage was one of those things I never thought would happen to me. I entered this pregnancy with excitement and confidence. I knew God would see me through to the delivery of another healthy perfect child. Calling a funeral home for cremation services on my baby’s remains was on the top 10 list of things I’d never have to endure.
I truly believed I’d never lose a child because I’d sort of already lost one. My husband had a son from a previous marriage who died when he was 3. The heartbreak we all went though at that time was life altering. I’d already sat in a funeral home and planned services for a child who I may not have birthed, but would have been my son. Watching my husband grieve and change over the years changed me as well. I just knew God would never ask us to go through that loss again. The children I bear would be healthy and strong and safe.
But what about now?
I am writing this post from a hospital bed as I wait for my scheduled D&C. The emotions within me are tumultuous but writing always seems to help. My husband is here, but distant. This pain touches him too. I never wanted him to feel this pain again.
We can’t change the course of time or try to make our will God’s will. All we can do is our very best and accept the hand we are dealt. I trust that God knows what He is doing. This sweet baby girl is with Jesus now. And I will meet her one day when I reach the gates of heaven.
I think it’s important for those who experience miscarriage to take the time to mourn their lost child. Cry real tears! Get angry! Be sad.. and accept the help others give. Take time for yourself. You’re not alone in this world.
My friend spoke words of peace to me shortly after I found out I’d lost my child. She said that this baby was never touched by fear! She was never cold or hungry. She was never alone. And most importantly, she ALWAYS knew love.
Until we meet Rosie Lou Daves, know that mamma loves you!